Friday, July 30, 2010

Gentle Lead

It's the closest thing to miraculous I have ever experienced in the world of dog training.

Walking Media' Girl's dog has always been a chore rather than a pleasure. The dog walked the person rather than the other way around. Even a choke color failed to get the dog to walk in a reasonable manner.

And then.... Motivated Mom and I overheard another dog owner raving about a product called a Gentle Lead.

Motivated Mom hurried off to the pet store, bought a Gentle Lead, strapped it on the dog, and....wala ... the dog strolled along at a leisurely pace right off the bat.

If you're a dog owner who struggles with the canine on the other end of leash, you HAVE to get one of these things!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Guts and Outages

My apologies for my unexpected absence from the blog-o-sphere, I've been busy watching caterpillars crawl.

Okay - not really.

When I'm working out of my base at the northern end of the state, I'm at the mercy of an internet provider whose service is even less reliable than a broken clock.

While the provider will remain nameless, their non-FIOS service was knocked out by severe storms over the weekend. Their commitment to servicing non-FIOS customers being what it is, I expect I'll be able to access the internet "up north" somewhere around the middle of August.

But back to caterpillars. I promised to share their unique form of locomotion. It's been coined the gut thrust.

Now mind you, this discovery came only after scientists received a grant to build tiny caterpillar treadmills which were placed in front of state-of-the art x-ray equipment. All of this because, since caterpillars have no bones or muscles, scientists were dying to know how the caterpillar manages to get around.

After days of trying to figure out how to motivate a caterpillar to use a treadmill, the big discovery occurred.

The little critter actually coils its gut up into a ball at the back end of his body - then "throws" its gut toward the front. The gut thrust drives the caterpillar forward.

I shudder to think about it. We've all had those "burps" that turn out to be a little juicer than expected. Imagine dealing with that every time we needed to put one foot in front of the other.

I know. I know. Right about now you're wishing I had that same unreliable internet provider at my southern base of operations.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Eyes, Weights, and Catepillars

There are evenings when my eyelids feel made of some material a hundred times the weight of lead. On those evenings the effort I put into keeping my eyes open seems no less than the effort I would expend in attempting to hold a barbell loaded with two hundred pounds of weight over my head.

Tonight is one such night and my struggle to remain focused led me to think of a news story I heard on the radio the other day. It seems a researcher has been studying the locomotive abilities of caterpillars and discovered the insects use a method of locomotion heretofore never dreamed of.

I remember thinking that dreaming is exactly what I would be doing if I had to spend hours, days, and months watching caterpillars crawl.

And with dreaming now seeming so inviting a subject, I will head off to do just that.

You will have to remind me on another night to share the earth shattering discovery of just how a caterpillar moves.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Hidden Hall

I had to look twice to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me.

I was sitting at a traffic light in the center of a small Delaware town. The road I was on was not one I traveled frequently so while waiting for the light to change I was taking in the scenery. Houses, old but well maintained, stood shoulder to shoulder on my right. Diagonally across the intersection was a water tower tall enough to have served as a NASA observatory, and directly beneath the water tower was the town hall.

And that's when I did the double take. Because while the facade of the town hall was one and a half stories high and a quarter of a block long, the town hall itself was - a storage shed?

Sure enough. The front of the town hall was a sham.

I started thinking about documentaries I had seen about the making of western movies. Those documentaries had revealed the buildings along the Main Streets in the cinema desert towns were nothing but front walls propped up by angled bracing.

The true town hall I had just discovered hiding behind the false facade was a squat building little bigger than the storage sheds in some of my neighbor's yards. I felt sorry for the one or two folks (because surely there wasn't room for more than two desks) who sat in the shed cooled by a single air conditioner dangling out of the single true window.

The traffic light turned green and I continued on my way - but not before wondering if those carefully maintained homes I had been appreciating were anything more than a movie set.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Text Board

Busy schedule right now so I thought I'd share an effective message I spotted recently.

The message - big and bold on a billboard advertisement for a local health care facility read simply:

Texting and Driving?

C U in our E R

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

If It's Real, Get Out of the Water

There are some photographs that just command your attention.

Such was the case for me today when I saw the picture on the MSN web page of a supposed 40 ton whale apparently crash landing on a private yacht.

I use the words supposed and apparently because nowadays I can never be sure if a picture displayed on the internet is legit or photoshopped.

Once I got past my initial whoaa reaction I started wondering how it was that a photographer on some other vessel just happened to have his camera focused on the subject yacht at the exact moment that the whale breached the water.

But such chance opportunities do sometimes occur and if this truly was an incredible encounter then it goes to support my opinion that while it's great to sit at the water's edge, I want no part of being on board anything smaller than an aircraft carrier once the water beneath me is deep enough for a 40 ton (or even quarter ton) creature to be swimming around.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Original Weather Channel

My sister and I were recently reminiscing about the "original" weather channel. I guess it came up in conversation because this is beach season. And it was at the beach - Ocean City, NJ to be precise- that we had our first exposure to round-the-clock weather information.

The weather info came via a series of weather instruments housed in beautifully polished brass cases - like something you might have expected to see on the bridge of a ship. The gauges provided temperature, humidity (it was up to the watcher to figure out the heat index), barometric pressure, wind direction, and wind speed.

All of these gauges, along with a clock, were mounted on a wall. The television camera of a public information station slowly panned from one gauge to the next and back again.

Somehow we found this fascinating, or perhaps more accurately mesmerizing, and we watched the gauges slide by in cycle after cycle as though expecting some previously hidden weather truth would be revealed.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Never Ending Search

In the past few weeks I have seen more license plates from distant states than I can ever remember seeing before: New Mexico, Michigan, Kansas, California - I even followed behind a car with Hawaii license plates four days ago.

I've watched cars from Maryland head to New Jersey and cars from New Jersey head to Maryland - all packed with suitcases, sand toys, and rafts.

We are a country on the move. We always have been. It started with the western migration by wagon train. Well, even before that actually if I look back as far as the Vikings and Columbus.

And.... I've been wondering..... what is it we're all looking for? What is it that so many of can never find in the place we are now?

Whatever it is, we've been searching for it for hundreds of years. Whatever it is, I suspect we would have found it by now if it were a findable thing.

Perhaps it's time to be still and look inward rather than searching outward.

... Or perhaps we're afraid of what we'll find when we look inside so we keep moving in order to remain otherwise preoccupied.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Perpetual Boy

Over the centuries mankind has searched relentlessly for the key to perpetual motion.

I found that long looked for key today along the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. It materialized in the form of a four year old boy.

Blond haired, brown eyed, with stubby legs that refused to remain still, the young boy chased each and every crashing wave back into the sea. Between surges of seawater, the boy raced to attempt to capture any and all seagulls attempting to land within a fifty yard radius. If there were no seagulls drifting in for a landing, the boy moved his assorted sand toys from one side of his father's chair to the other.

So it went all afternoon. Chase a receding wave, run down a seagull, chase a wave, run after a bird, chase a wave, move the orange and blue buckets, chase a wave, run down a seagull....

It turns out perpetual motion is not without cost to humanity. The boy's ability to motor around endlessly obviously came with a price to those nearby. Somehow the boy was draining the life force of those around him in order to maintain his own momentum. I can attest to this mysterious borrowing of energy myself. I found myself exhausted just watching the boy.

And I understood why the boys parents did stir from their chairs. Being nearest the boy, their energy had been siphoned off long before mine.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Indoors in an Outdoor Season

There are no pedestrians to be seen on the streets - or at least very few.

Save for the white noise of air conditioner compressors, a palpable quiet descends early in the evening - there are no backyard conversations to be overheard, no slamming of screen doors.

The flickering patio candles that cast shifting backyard shadows just weeks ago now sit unlit.

The complete lack of outdoor activity might have me believing it was February if it wasn't for the thermometer pointing to eighty-seven even at bedtime.

It takes effort to breath the air - too hot by day and too damp at night.

I am a summertime lover - but right now I must confess I love my air conditioner even more.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Arks and Cars

I need to brush up on my cubits.

Because it's time to build an ark.

Rather than animal stalls I'll construct state rooms on the upper decks and parking slips below. I'm certain the ark will have full occupancy even before the sailing date.


So much rain has fallen in the past two days that rescue workers are wading around in water up to their waists, children are being evacuated from day care centers, and cars are floating off to points unknown.

Can you imagine walking out to the parking lot at the end of a work day and discovering a whole corner of the lot (the corner where your car had been parked) had been washed clean - washed clean as in devoid of cars?

That's just the scenario that all too many local folks experienced today.

I guess the owners of the dozens of missing cars can only hope that the air bags deployed and somehow kept the cars afloat rather than sinking to the bottom of the river that had quadrupled in size.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Candy Sky

It was the sound of raindrops hitting the skylight that caused me to look up during my morning wake up routine today. The slate gray sky coupled with the quickly pooling water explained my lethargy. I figured there wasn't much hope for a vitamin D energy rush.

So I was really quite surprised when I walked out the door and found myself looking at a sky that had me thinking the Willy Wanka candy factory had exploded. Colors of a hue that could surely exist only in a mixing vat of Everlasting Gobstoppers streamed through ragged breaks in the clouds.

In fact the entire sky looked like an enormous flatware plate had been dropped and pieces were swirling in a pastel whirlpool.

Even on the most unpromising of days, nature can through out a party favor.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Easter Eclipse

Yesterday (July 11) there was a total solar eclipse directly over Easter Island.

I thought sure I was going to read today that some amazing insight had been imparted to the thousands of people who had gathered on the island.

For those of you who may not be familiar with Easter Island, it is located off the western coast of Chile in the Pacific Ocean. The 63 square mile body of land is most famous for the moai - 82 ton figures carved from stone - that have been standing like sentinels for close to, if not more than a thousand years.

Surely, I thought, some great cosmic awakening had to happen when such a mystery filled Island slipped into total darkness mid-day.

At the very least I expected to read that when the sun reappeared all of the stone figures had rearranged themselves.

Either the mass of people who flocked to Easter Island for the eclipse aren't sharing their new found knowledge.

Or - as in the movie Night in The Museum- the stone figures all started chanting yum-yum dumb-dumb and the tourists are ashamed to admit they spent thousands of dollars for such meaningless drivel.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Pied Planes

Airplanes pulling fluttering banners are as much a staple of the Mid Atlantic beach experience as sunblock and flip-flops.

I and others who frequent the Atlantic beaches would think something terribly amiss if the drone of propeller driven airplanes was not a constant counterpoint to the crashing of waves.

When the unique humm of those engines reaches the ears of folks lying on the beach, the tanning crowds have no choice but to look skyward. The engine noise is akin to the music of the Pied Piper's flute. Those within hearing distance are compelled to discover that....

Everyone tans better with Coppertone, the Crab Shack has daily specials, and salt water taffy is waiting for them in the shops at 12th and Boardwalk.

Who needs cell phones when you can tie a sign to a plane?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Beware the Golf Cart

A hospital in our area has issued a health warning about...... golf carts.

I guess I should explain that the region I live in has many retirement communities. When the knees just don't work the way they used to, a battery powered cart becomes the preferred method of getting around to see the neighbors.

When I first saw the article headline I couldn't believe it was possible for a golf cart to go fast enough to be a hazard.

Well, it seems speed is not the issue. A marked increase in golf cart related emergency room visits stems from.... people falling out of the carts.

My gosh, are the older folks falling asleep at the wheel and flopping sideways out of their put-put?

Maybe they should pack a cooler of Ensure or some other protein drink before heading off to that bridge game.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Shifting Parameters

I have been gradually familiarizing myself with the Facebook universe - and am amazed by just how much the physical word has been condensed by Facebook.

Some of us experienced childhood during the 1960s. In those days, from a child's perspective, the world had a maximum radius of fifteen miles. Within those fifteen miles was the grocery store, the church, the school, the public library - and ninety -nine percent of our friends.

The other one percent of friends was comprised of those who slipped into the outer universe, those whose families moved to a distant town or state, and who actually remained in touch - for a little while anyway. But keeping in touch usually meant letters or post cards and gradually facial recognition faded.

The majority of friends who moved away simply disappeared into the black hole that lay waiting in the universe.

Today's Facebook world keeps our friends not only in the neighborhood but in our living rooms - face's and all.

Suddenly the world is just that - the world - not fifteen miles. And the universe - well it still has black holes - but our friends no longer risk being sucked into them.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Unrefreshing Driving

My sister and her husband recently signed up for a defensive driving refresher course so they could get a discount on their auto insurance.

Good for them.

But..... there are hundreds of people I am sharing the roadways with every day who need to take this course, not for lower insurance, but to rediscover driving.

I'd like to think it's just Fahrenheit fallout but I suspect the trends I'm noticing go deeper than hot flashes.

An alarming number of people seem not to know that the little lever on the left side of their steering column does something other than control the high beams.

Equally disturbing is the number of folks who seem to have forgotten how to read - or have decided that highway hazard signs serve only ornamental purposes.

Given a multiple choice question of:

A diamond shape sign with the words Left Lane Closed Ahead means:

a) answer your cell phone
b) shift to the right lane
c) diamonds are forever
d) none of the above

I'm betting that 60% of the people would answer (a) or (c) and another 10% would answer (d)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Summer Pace

Summertime and the livin' is .... slow.

I'm a summertime person but I have to confess it is just plain hard to do anything quickly when the mercury in the thermometer pushes past one hundred.

When the humidity in the air lies on you like a second skin, when the waves of heat rising off the hood of the car make the road ahead shimmer like a mirage, and when even kids lack the energy to yell taunts at one another, summer is definitely in full swing.

And when summer dishes up a whole string of triple digit days, the only thing to do is take it down a notch and accept that whatever is on the to do list will get done in good time.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Surfing Channels and Towns

I was channel surfing on the 4th of July - looking for the best display of fireworks.

Peeking in at the different celebration locales made me think of the year my family was traveling the interstate system on 4th of July night.

The sun was just setting as we took to the highway in Northeastern Pennsylvania so it wasn't long before a red and yellow blossom lit up the sky. One firework after another rocketed upward from a small town nestled into a valley to our left.

All of us in the car oohed and ahhed at the bursts we had the chance to see before the highway turned and led us away from the celebration.

I was considering an illegal u-turn when a new display of colored lights appeared just a few miles ahead. Traveling at sixty miles an hour, we were soon abreast of this newly discovered rocket launching and were able to enjoy another series of fireworks.

...And so it continued during our drive. Passing one town after another (town surfing) we were treated to 4th of July celebrations of a wide variety.

It is, perhaps, the 4th of July that sticks in my mind more than any others. Perhaps because that year served to impress on me the truly nation-wide celebration of our country's birthday.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Celebrating Freedom

Today folks across America take time out of their lives to celebrate freedom.

At least I hope freedom is on the minds of Americans because it's a valuable commodity.

The freedoms we enjoy today were earned at the sacrifice of thousands of lives. Lives willingly given by those who believed in the right to control their own destinies. Lives willingly given by those who understood freedom comes with a high price tag.

The result - a country where people are free to live as they please and express their views as they please.

Today we should all take the time to remember that freedom is not an entitlement. Freedom is earned.

To those more newly arrived to our shores I would say... If you're not willing to put effort into the price of freedom, then please book a return trip to your place of origin.

To newcomers who appreciate the value of the society they have joined and are ready to contribute to the work that goes into maintaining that value I extend words of welcome.

As our country struggles in difficult times all of us should remember, as we voice our opinions, that opinions offering solutions are a thousand times more valuable than words intended only to put others down.

As our forefathers willingly engaged in the struggle to better their lives, so all Americans today should be willing to work together to get our country back on track.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

Friday, July 2, 2010

Womglish 101

I have the house to myself for a couple of days.

(Well mostly. Media Girl is around but since graduating from high school "around" means anywhere outside of a five mile radius from the house except when she's hungry.)

Anyway, before leaving, Motivated Mom mentioned that she had straightened up the house and shampooed the rugs so that I would find the house relaxing.

Good thing I'm brushed up on Womglish (woman English) because while at first glance Motivated Mom's statement might elicit an ahhhh.... isn't that nice - there's a much deeper message.

When the Womglish translation is applied, I straightened up the house and shampooed the rugs so that you would find the house relaxing actually means...

I worked my ass off cleaning the house and it better look the way it does now when I get home.

And of course I'll make sure it does ... mostly.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Pampering a Chef

I passed a van today with the words Pampered Chef silk screened in the windows and it got me to thinking about the implements bearing those same words that I've seen in my sister's kitchen recently.

Which got me to thinking....

To be truly pampered, a chef wouldn't have special gadgets - a chef would have someone else doing the cooking.

I know that when it's my turn to whip up a meal in the kitchen I would feel pampered only if I wasn't lifting a finger.

I'm picturing Dom DeLuise walking into my kitchen wearing one of those two foot tall white chef hats along with a full apron and saying... hey, Bruce, step aside, let me handle things here.

(It would have to be Dom or someone with a similar personality because if Gordon Ramsey walked in his first words would be J... C.... what kind of a F....ing excuse for food is this? -- and I wouldn't feel pampered at all.

Anyway, chef Dom would set about cooking up an Italian feast while I sipped margaritas on the back patio. Then, just before it was time for dinner, chef Dom would say toodle-loo leaving me to dish out steaming hot food for the members of my family.

THAT's what being a pampered chef is all about.