Centenial Megalith

The hotel had been in continuous operation for one hundred years. Rising one hundred, twenty-four feet and taking up an entire city block, the exterior was of stone block cut in megalithic proportions giving the hotel such a colossal appearance it seemed impossible that the underlying ground could support the structure.

Inside the hotel was no less impressive. The lobby's Italian marble floors gleaming beneath crystal chandeliers that hung from a ceiling decorated in three dimensional reliefs of such size that the crafting might have been the work of giants.

Exquisite attention to detail continued into the guest room levels. After exiting an elevator paneled in wood of rich hues normally only seen in libraries and smoking rooms, I gazed down a hall of such length that optical illusion reduced the far end to a two-by-six rectangle. The sculptured carpet was met by wood wainscot that three of the nine foot wall height. Doors of Philippine mahogany were dark contrast to the beige walls. From the ceiling hung shaded chandeliers at ten foot intervals making shadow a stranger.

I'm sure the intent was to engulf a visitor in comfortable opulence. But all I could see was the word REDRUM. 

Siamese If You Please

Shocking Dude, my son, and Language Lass, his wife, (see cast of characters below) share an apartment with two Siamese cats named Idalia and Kellen.  That is to say the cats tolerate the presence of the two humans since having humans around saves the cats from having to hunt for food.

Having spent many hours with Shocking Dude when he was just a wee lad watching the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp, I was a little surprised at the choice of two Siamese. If you're not familiar with the movie, two Siamese cats manage to trash a McMansion with no assistance. We're talking shredded draperies, toppled Ming vases - utter catastrophe.

When I visit the apartment, it doesn't seem as bad as I had anticipated - though some of the pictures that have been posted on Facebook leave me wondering just how much hiding of evidence happens before Motivated Mom and I pay a visit.

Though Kellen tends to hide when company arrives, I have seen the two cats flow through the apartment like a single living organism - one leapfrogging ahead of the other only to be leapfrogged in return- slipping across furniture, leaping onto counter tops, slinking into pantries, and opening cabinet doors. I'm sure that someplace Kellen and Idalia have the feline equivalent of Aladdin's treasure.

Cast of Characters - since it's been a while I should probably revisit this. Names of family members have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty:

My wife: Motivated Mom - so named because she attacks everything she does with a passion or energy

My son: Shocking Dude - so named because he is an electrical engineer (for long time readers he was previously known as College Dude, but with graduation behind him that had to change

My daughter: Media Girl - she is connected to the world by the use of some type of media 24/7. Without a cell phone her life energy would evaporate into the ether.

My daughter-in-law: Language Lass - her passion is language and she currently studies Anthropological Linguistics. Which I guess means she fascinated by talking with dead people.

My granddaughter: Miss Grabby Fingers - because at 2 years of age she grabs anything and everything she sees.

Captive Audience

Calvin had been raised in the family business so working in the embalming room was not the creepy job that some of his friends insisted it  must be. Summer was Calvin's busiest time. There were lots more cars on the road and lots more accidents.

Right now Calvin was incredibly busy.  To alleviate the stress, he had placed his customers in seated positions before rigor set in. A couple of stainless steel tables pushed against the wall served as benches. The blonde-haired woman's face was ripped open from eye socket to jaw, but only on one side so Calvin had been careful to turn that side of her head to the wall. Which meant the blonde was staring right at the guy who had lost his leg at the knee. Calvin had positioned the bottom half of the leg so that it looked like the guy had that leg crossed over the other.

Working on stitching the eyelids of his current customer closed, Calvin discussed everything from barbecue recipes to baseball standings with those who were waiting. He asked which of them thought the Yankees would win the next game. When he looked up, only one had raised his hand. Of course that elderly gentleman only had one hand that he could raise.

Everybody Have You Heard

with apologies to Carole King:

Hey everybody have you heard...
I'll never buy her a mockingbird...
Or at least not one that sings.
And there ain't no money for a ring...

Because I'm going to need the money to post bail after I get arrested for discharging a firearm in a residential area. That firearm is going to be used to blast the dag blasted mockingbird right out of the bush by my bedroom window.

Since when do birds sing all night anyway? Hungarian folklore says that a bird singing at night means bad news will follow.  I guess the Hungarians had the right of it. The coming bad news for me is getting arrested for blasting the bird.

I guess I should be thrilled that the impending Spring season has brought the birds back.... but why did I have to get the belligerent one?






                           

Holy Cow - Kind'a

You've probably seen them, trailers made of steel mesh that lawn care companies use to haul their lawn tractors, mowers, edgers, and so forth.

In this morning's commute I was one car removed from a pickup truck pulling such a trailer. The trailers are such a common site that I really paid it no mind until realizing something on the trailer was moving around.

Concerned the operator had neglected to secure his equipment I began evaluating my emergency response options which were few being on a limited access divided highway.  When the movement in the trailer became more extreme I realized something about this particular trailer was very different. The sides of the trailer,rather than being one or two feet of metal mesh, rose to some five feet in height and were capped by more of the mesh - a rolling jail cell for all intents and purposes.

My attention now fully focused, I realized there were arms waiving within that cell.  Thinking that on a twenty-seven degree morning if I had been in that cell I'd be doing more than waving arms, I quickly started questioning my assessment.

Approaching an exit, traffic slowed and I was finally able to get a good look. Within the cage were two massive bulls tossing their heads from side to side. Each bull sported a pair of curving horns at least three feet long - a six foot spread in all.

I'm guessing the driver of the pickup never had problems with tailgaters.

Climate Change

The lion and lamb have been in a battle for dominance all through the month of March here in the Mid-Atlantic region.  The past two days have been no exception with Saturday a balmy beach-walking seventy-three degrees and today a drizzly affair unable to break the forties.

Year round residents of this beach community have been at a loss at to whether they should be waxing their surfboards or prepping their snow shovels. This confusion was captured perfectly by a man walking at the water's edge today. Wearing swim trunks so that he could splash shin-deep in the ocean, the man also sported a down filled parka with the hood pulled up against the stiff breeze.

Then again - maybe the man was more confused than most. To choose to wade in forty-three degree water calls clear thinking into question in and of itself.  But to make that choice knowing his top half would be wrapped in Eskimo attire....well I know it left me without any impression of sanity.

Perhaps his feet had been sweaty......

Tired or Tenacious?

A house develops a personality of its own only after left vacant. Until then the house is a reflection of its owner. But once the owner leaves, the house reveals itself as a batter-scarred warrior, a larger-than-life entertainer, a tired recluse, etc.

Of late, vacant houses stand empty in staggering numbers - so much so that they have become nearly invisible. But every so often one of these abandoned structures catches my eye. Such was the case today when my attention turned to the bungalow with the sagging screen door.

The wooden screen door hung loose, tilting away from the house, precariously attached by a single top hinge. To some, that door drooping door might have indicated a tired shelter teetering on collapse.  But I saw a still-proud structure gripping the screen door with determined tenacity. 

I saw a house that shouted I will not the fail the next to call me home. I saw a house that promised warm comfort in cold seasons and shadowed protection in the summer. I saw a house with a roof line still running knife-edge straight. I saw a house with porch columns that still stood as proud sentinels. In return for a few screws in the hinges of that screen door, the house would swear fealty to those who chose to live within.

Timing Is Everything

My recent visit to TGIF for dinner had me reeling.  Quite unbeknownst to me, I had selected all of the best the restaurant had to offer based on my waitress punctuating my every word with FA-A-antastic or GREAT choice. When my request for a doggie bag was answered with FA-A-antastic, it all began to get incredibly (with a perky exclamation point!) old.

Until I realized that the waitresses had never once asked me how everything was, or if I needed anything else, while my mouth was full of food.

Because that's generally the way it works isn't it?  You've just taken a too-big-bite of a too-thick club sandwich when the waiter or waitresses materializes at your side and asks if you need anything else. At which point you are grateful for all of the games of charades you played as a child.

It's a flaw that dental hygienists have as well. With a noisy suction tube dangling out of the lower corner of your mouth and a gleaming pick wedged behind your upper incisors you hear it....Any problems since you were last here?

And you think.... only that it took me three entire days to forget how annoying you were.